Personal Reflections

H. Louis Chandler. It doesn't read right, or fall friendly on the ear. Not for the thousands of Scouts, and the friends and family who knew him fondly and respectfully as Looie.
Looie wanted to die in the house in which he was born. He did that, and one better, by dying in the room that was his birthplace.

Family cared for Looie in his home, and the last week of his life around the clock, because Looie could not have saved himself from a fire.

No matter how dedicated, lay persons cannot fully care for a person with a terminal illness.
That's why we called on Hospice, the organization that cares for the terminally ill and assists the family of the patient.
An RN named Laura, as friendly as she is professional, talked with Looie. She gave him medicine, showed the family how to give him medicine, arranged for a hospital bed, walker and other medical equipment to be brought to his home through a group called Cancer Action and she also helped the family understand what was happening. This and more at no charge.

Hospice has four printed pages headed Preparing for Approaching Death. Remember that Hospice does not try to prolong life, but to ease the burden, physical and psychological, of impending death. Hospice tells us "The experience we call death occurs when the body completes the natural process of shutting down."
How best to help a loved one as this is happening? Hospice coaches, "Each person is unique and needs to do things in his/her own way. This is not the time to try to change your loved one, but the time to give full acceptance, support and comfort."

Approaching death may manifest itself through physical and mental changes. One is coolness of the extremities, and Hospice recommends a non-electric blanket. Your loved one may sleep more, and may be difficult to arouse. Hospice suggests you, "Sit with your loved one, hold his/her hand. Do not talk about the person in the person's presence. Speak to him or her directly as you normally would, even though there may be no response."

Metabolic changes may cause disorientation. If so, "Identify yourself by name before you speak…{and) speak softly, clearly, and truthfully when you need to communicate something important for the patient's comfort…" If incontinence occurs, talk with the Hospice nurse about "…what can be done to keep your loved one clean and comfortable and to protect the bed." Discuss a catheter. A catheter can also help when a person's urine output decreases, another sign of the body shutting down.

Decreased fluid intake and inability to cough up normal secretions can lead to chest congestion. Hospice says, "Suctioning usually only increases the secretions and causes sharp discomfort. Gently turn the head to the side and allow gravity to drain secretions. You may also gently wipe the mouth with a moist cloth. The sound of the congestion does not indicate the onset of severe pain or new pain."

Restlessness, …"such as pulling at bed linen or clothing." may happen due to metabolic changes and a decrease in oxygen circulation to the brain. "To have a calm effect, speak in a quiet natural way, lightly massage the forehead, read to the person, play some soothing music, or change the patient's position for comfort."

As fluid and food intake decrease, Hospice reminds us, "Do not try to force food or drink into the person, or try to use guilt to manipulate them into eating or drinking something. To do this only makes the person much more uncomfortable. Small chips of ice, frozen Gatorade or juice may be refreshing in the mouth. If the person is able to swallow, fluids may be given in small amounts (ask the {Hospice} nurse for guidance)."

Your loved one's breathing pattern may change. Hospice explains, "A particular pattern consists of breathing irregularly, i.e.: shallow breaths with periods of no breathing of 5 to 30 seconds, and up to a full minute. This is called 'Cheyne-Stokes' breathing. The person may also experience periods of rapid shallow pant-like breathing. These patterns are very common and indicate decreased circulation in the internal organs. Elevating the head and/or turning the person may bring comfort. Hold his/her hand Speak gently."

I had the honor of sitting with Looie part of his last night and the early morning hours of his last day. I had a greater empathetic understanding of the forces at work in his last hours, and will always be grateful to Hospice, Cancer Action and the Chandler Family.

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
-- Henri Nouwen, Out of Solitude

May you find serenity and tranquility in a world that you may not always understand.
May the pain you have known, and the conflict you have experienced, give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with optimism and courage.

Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone.

May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them.

Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.
Teach love to those who know hate, and let that love embrace you as you go into the world.

May the teaching of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and who have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart.
Find time in each day to see the beauty and love in the world around you.
Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way.

What you may feel you lack in one regard may be more than compensated for in another.
What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future.
May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility.

Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience.
May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgments of your accomplishments.
May you always feel loved.